Jackie Gartman

Vacations, Cats and the Guy I Live with: Myers-Briggs Reveals All!

“No, no, no!”  I screamed as I leapt off the bed, grabbed my keys and practically slid down the banister as though the house were afire. 

The house wasn’t on fire, but my brain was.  Because my husband had approached me with—I still shudder with the horror of it--a SPREADSHEET.  Not just any spreadsheet, people, but a vacation spreadsheet. A detailed itinerary of every single thing we would do on our vacation—including what time we would get up every morning—six months before our date of departure.

So I did what any normal wife would do.  I bolted from the house, jumped into the car, and burned some serious rubber as I screeched out of the driveway.

That was two years ago.  He hasn’t changed—but I have.  He still wants to plan everything down to the nth degree, including what we’re going to have for dinner (while we’re still eating breakfast) and when we’ll be leaving a party we haven’t actually gone to yet.

What shifted things for me?  A nifty little tool called the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), based on the work of Swiss psychiatrist and all-around brilliant guy Carl Jung.  Jung believed we all have innate gifts, talents, motivations, and strengths.  And, most importantly, that we have a preferred way of getting energized, taking in information, making decisions, and dealing with the outer world.

When I took the MBTI, I learned a lot about myself—and about my husband.  Turns out he’s not a weird alien dude inexplicably taking up residence in my bedroom with the sole purpose of annoying me—he’s a guy who likes, and even needs, to plan ahead.  And it turns out he’s married to someone who likes to keep things as open-ended as possible, because who knows what cool thing might come up that I might miss? 

Your MBTI results aren’t about learned or adaptive behavior.  It’s how you were born, how you’re wired.  It doesn’t mean you can’t operate in someone else’s wheelhouse. (I could plan stuff if I had to.  Stop laughing.  I could.)  It just means life is easier if you go with your particular brand of flow.

A great analogy is whether you are right- or left-handed.  All of us can write with either one, but it just works better when you write with the one your brain wants you to use.  Try it yourself:

Take a moment and sign your name using your dominant hand.

It likely feels natural, easy, and effortless, doesn't it?  In fact, you probably didn't even have to think about it.  

Now, sign your name using your non-dominant hand.

Yuck, huh?  Unless you are among the few ambidextrous folk in the world, writing with the “wrong” hand probably felt clumsy, unnatural, awkward or even childlike.  You may have had to think about writing each letter.  

This is the MBTI point in a nutshell:  although you can operate outside your preferences, it may never feel natural and you may never feel truly competent doing so.  It’s just plain hard work.

We don’t just have preferences about how to plan our vacations; we have preferences about tons of stuff.  Maybe you prefer flats over heels, cats over dogs, your kitchen over your living room, women over men.  Me, if I were forced to live with cats while wearing stilettos and having sex with women in my dining room—well, let’s just say  I’d rather stick a plastic fork in my eye.  You may feel the same about dogs, ballet flats, and sleeping with men in your kitchen.  Neither one of us is right or wrong, or good or bad.  We’re just different—and that’s hunky dory. 

I also experienced a visceral wave of relief when I learned that working from my home office wasn’t conducive to my extravertedpersonality type.  I simply wasn't getting enough face-to-face human contact!  Since then, I’ve gotten enormously better about scheduling more in-person meetings, taking daily walks, eating out, and visitingplaces where human beings tend to congregate, like Starbucks and the grocery store.

It was liberating to stop comparing myself to my introverted coaching colleagues and entrepreneurs who simply don't experience this kind of isolation because they direct their energy inward, whereas I am energized by interacting with people.  Holy crap, was that ever a light bulb moment for me!  There’s nothing wrong with me!  There’s nothing wrong with them!  Everyone—everyone!—can be happy just as they are!

Because of these Oprah-style “aha” moments, I decided then and there to get trained and certified to administer and interpret the MBTI for others—clients, friends, family, readers and yes, even cat lovers.  I love people who love what they love and aren’t afraid to act on it.

Here’s what a couple of my clients said after they received their personality type results and interpretation: 

I have never had a description peg me so closely.  It was eye-opening and extremely helpful. I had a bunch of realizations that brought relief to me, a better understanding of myself, a new way to frame things, and some good challenges forward that will help me reach my goals. ~ L. Smith

Jackie, I’m so happy you had me take the Myers-Briggs assessment and worked with me to interpret the results.  I’ve found myself using what I learned as a lens though which I can better understand why I function in the world as I do, and how I can use my strengths to live a more powerful life.  This dynamic tool, plus your super-charged coaching?  GREAT STUFF! ~ L. Cooper

So if you:

• Love hearing fabulous things about yourself (duh!)
• Are tired of beating yourself up for who you genuinely are
• Want to gain a deeper understanding of yourself and what makes you tick
• Have no clue what you want to do next week, next year or for the rest of your life
• Are curious to know the 10 most popular occupations for YOUR type
• Are transitioning out of your job and into a new one
• Want to increase your job satisfaction
• Want to be aware of your blind spots so you can make better decisions
• Are curious how you can respond differently when you're under stress
• Want a better working relationship with your boss, employees or co-workers
• Want more harmony or intimacy with your partner, your kids, your parents, or the shoe repair man

THEN YOU SHOULD CONSIDER TAKING THIS ASSESSMENT (and if you know me at all, I don't throw "shoulds" around lightly).
   
Because I am so lit up about administering this assessment to everyone I know, I am offering a one-time only special for the month of April:

Myers-Briggs Type Indicator
APRIL SPECIAL
$190

Here's what you get:

• Internet access to the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator
• A two-page profile and summary of your reported personality type
• A one-hour validation and interpretation of your Personality Type with me
• A follow-up detailed description of your personality type including your strengths, areas for growth, and your type under stress

                                                   

YOU DO NOT NEED TO TAKE THE ASSESSMENT IN APRIL, BUT YOU DO NEED TO PURCHASE IT.

If you’re already a client of mine, and want to add this on to your package, you may do so for $25 instead of $50.

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Can't Keep It In

The scene:  An overcast morning, I’m walking Gypsy, my half belgium shephard and half “whatever jumped over the fence", just barely awake and feeling rather uninspired.

The soundtrack: Cat Stevens’ Can’t Keep It In

Few things can turn a morning around faster than the The World’s Most Perfect Soundtrack, right?  The very moment I heard the first few bars of this song piping through my headphones, my brain was immediately full-to-overflowing with ideas.  Mr. Stevens has that effect on me.  You’re right, Cat!  I cannot, in fact, keep it in!  Yes, I do have to let it out!

It’s all I can do to keep these ideas in my head till I can get home to write them down.  New programs to offer clients!  A new recipe to use up the last of that cabbage!  My next 982 writing topics!  Half-baked ideas drop like f-bombs about who I want to be and how I want to change the world.  

I realize that certain songs are the backdrop for my laboratory.   In my mind kitchen, I get finger lickin’ messy and play with ingredients I would never dream of combining.  Occasionally, my creations are one taco short of a combo plate but more often they’re lightening bolt fantabulous. So thank you Cat, for heating my blood and inspiring me to be  the best I can be.

Did you know that Mr. Stevens is really a life coach in disguise?   His lyrics are my newest coaching tool.  Join me in your own little brain blow out by clicking here and then answer these questions -

1.     What three things can’t you keep in?
2.     What do you need to say?
3.     What do you want to show the world?
4.     What does the world need to know?
5.     What needs are aching to come out?
6.     What heats your blood?
7.     What spins your head?
8.     What are you keeping locked away?
9.     Why are you afraid to unlock it?
10. If you’re not doing, being or expressing at least three of your responses, as Cat would ask, “Why not?  Why, why, why not?”

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Why are you letting fear stop you?

When I started coaching almost four years ago, I could write you a laundry list of fears approximately a mile long.

Fear said I wasn’t smart enough to be a great coach. Fear told me I couldn’t balance family, friends and a job.  Fear informed me that I wouldn’t have anything of value to offer my clients.  Fear convinced me that I would make my client’s feel worse not better.  Fear told me I wouldn’t make a dime, and I wasted my time and money.        

As I gained experience coaching my coaching muscles began to take shape. Sure, I made mistakes – plenty of them. But each time I did, it helped me to hone and master my skills. Knowing where I went wrong as I practiced coaching and not beating myself up was a key ingredient in mastering my craft. The more I coached, and the more I learned from my mistakes.  And the more competent and confident I felt.

Of course, my fears weren’t gone for good. Each time I did something new, the fears popped up faster than a dozen beach balls being forced under water. Ultimately, I decided to just plan on them showing up.

I’ve learned a lot about fear since then.  Wanna share in the hard-won insight?

• Fear is insidious. Like anything you regularly feed, it will grow.
• Trying to overcome, eliminate or annihilate fear is like trying to stop breathing oxygen. It’s impossible.
• Fear is tells us what we truly desire, what we deeply care about and what is intrinsically meaningful.
• Fear is what happens when we anticipate the future. Next time you’re afraid, ask yourself, “In this very moment, do I really have a problem?”
• Fear is about two things: loss or lack. You are either afraid of losing something (money, love, approval) or you are afraid you don’t have something you need (talent, intelligence, acceptance, etc.).
• Fear is simply an emotion. Experiencing joy and love also means that you have inadvertently entered a contract to feel a wide range of human emotions including sadness, loss and, yes, fear.
• Instead of shutting fear out, try giving it a small yet insignificant role in the movie of your life.  Invite it in instead of working so hard to keep it out.
• Your mind is a landscape with hundreds of thoughts. Try foraging in places that help you – not in the places that paralyze you.
  
  How do you deal with fear?  What scares you?

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Stop it already! No, really. Stop.

A recent study by Psychology Today revealed that of our approximately 75,000 daily thoughts, approximately 80% are negative. No wonder we're so tired and need to lie down!

In the years I've been coaching, what my clients want most is to learn new ways to eradicate those 60,000 negative thoughts each day.  Though we can’t get rid of all 60,000 negative thoughts, there are strategies that help to manage that invited mind crap, so it’s not acting as general managers of our brains.

A few months ago I came across a very funny YouTube video from an old Bob Newhart show that got me thinking about a new way to manage brain garbage.

Let me explain:
For those of you too young to remember, the Bob Newhart show was a popular sitcom in the 70's starring comedian Bob Newhart.  Newhart played Robert Hartley, a psychologist.

Let’s watch:



My coach colleagues and good friends have have been teasing me that “STOP IT!” is my newest coaching tool. Although not a part of my official coaching toolkit, I must admit that it has worked wonders with my dog and, on occasion, with my husband. I've even recently used it on myself with some decent results.

Newhart's comedic scene did get me thinking about how to better manage the traffic flow of my thoughts. So, I did a little experiment with myself. What if I gave my negative feeling thoughts less attention and my positive feeling thoughts more attention?  All thoughts are not created equal, and they don't deserve the same degree of attention, do they?

I decided it was time to become more vigilantly aware of my thought patterns and employ the STOP IT phrase whenever my thoughts give me "the ick."

The results of my experiment?

Perhaps I should brush my teeth.
I do think this deserves my attention or the people who sit near me could pass out. My business might suffer too. And my love life will likely deteriorate. Yes, brushing my teeth deserves my full attention. Everyone appreciates this.

There are other things I can think about besides my job.
This feels fantastic - So fantastic that I bask in it as though my body is being warmed by the sun. I decide that this thought deserves much more of my attention. In fact, I like it so much I even offer it a two-fer: Buy one night, get the next one free. Even thoughts appreciate an incentive to return.

I can't work full time and take care of my family (God knows I've worked this one six ways to Sunday!)
This thought feels like the ick I have in my mouth from not brushing my teeth, so this is where I tell myself to Stop It.

After much self-coaching, I decide this thought simply doesn't deserve the same kind of attention as the ones above, mostly because it's a lie. The ick is the clue and I can name a thousand people who have successful careers and raise a family. And, guess what? I've been doing it for four years now and although it appears messy, I'm doing it.

Next time an uninvited thought shows up at your door, just say "STOP IT."  Say it out loud if you need to and ask yourself if it deserves your attention. If the thought feels good, wallow in it for awhile and invite it back. If it gives you the ick don't give it the attention that it doesn't deserve!

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On Quitting

If these two words were a person, they would be my arch nemesis.   We would glare at each other across crowded dinner parties and I’d probably slit their car tires.

I announce “I quit!” any time I feel really down, when my job feels like a J.O.B. or when my marriage is in ebb. As a kid, whenever anything felt hard or caused me stress, I quit. When my class load was too rigorous, I took fewer units. When the schizophrenic kid at the group home where I volunteered attacked me, I quit.

But the stress and discomfort didn't fall away once I quit.

Say what?

I was still unhappy, deeply unsatisfied, unchallenged and proud of nothing. Quitting was my way of giving up on life because I believed life should be easy. When anything started feeling hard, I preferred to quit rather then address the real enemy - myself. The version of me that said, "you can't do this" or "you're not smart enough" or "really, Jackie, who is going to listen to you, and pay you?" I was terrified to discover that  I wasn't enough so I just avoided anything that was difficult.

I realized that taking the easy path was not the best path. When I found my true career as a life coach five years ago, I came face to face with an intense desire to quit again. My coach at the time had just given me less-than-stellar feedback on my coaching.   How did I deal?  Well, I crawled under my desk for three weeks and cried. I eventually came out from under my desk. Mostly because I was really, really hungry and my knees hurt. That space used to be so much more comfortable.

This is what I learned about quitting when it matters:

Wanting to quit is normal
You're not the only one who feels this way and it doesn't always mean anything. It's like the weather. Allow for grey clouds and they eventually move away. So will your desire to quit when you plan for it. So, get out the umbrella, it will rain.

Quitting is UGLY
Think about people who inspire you. For me it's Oprah, Steve Jobs, Martin Luther King, I admire them because they didn't let anyone or anything get in the way of their light. They persevered in spite of their failures, their mistakes and people who didn't believe they could do it. Did you know Oprah was fired from her first job because, according to her producer, she "wasn't fit for television"? There ain't nothing pretty about quitting.

Quitting hurts you
Seriously, there is nothing more painful than giving up on what it important to you. It may feel like relief but it is quickly replaced by a disappointment so prickly and long-lasting that it doesn't hold a candle to the initial temporary relief you felt when you gave up on that thing.

Quitting helps no one
When you choose to suppress your dreams, you withhold your gifts from the world.  It’ s selfish and mean. I’m so, so grateful for that the musicians and artists and teachers I love are will to share themselves and their talents.

Quitting is an excuse for not being who you are
When you quit something that really matters, you cut off access to who you are and what you want to feel: joy, love, freedom, peace.  Consider all those things you're proud of and that really matter: your children, your marriage, a skill, or sport, changing careers. Just about everything you that makes you proud was at some point incredibly tough.  And maybe, just maybe, you entertained the thought of quitting. But aren't you glad you didn't?

Please, for your sake and for ours: don't quit five minutes before the miracle happens.

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Stuck in the UCK

I've been thinking a lot lately about the state of being stuck. When I wrote down the word "stuck," I immediately noticed that by dividing the word in half, you have two distinct words:

     STU and UCK

Many of my clients hire me because they feel stuck in their job, stuck in their marriage, stuck at home raising their children or just a general stuckness without any idea as to why. They are, in many cases, STU-ing in the UCK.

Several years ago, I felt stuck myself. I was selling "widgets."

While providing me with a lucrative part-time income, my job simply lacked the inherent personal and professional growth that I secretly longed for. Each time I went to work, I looked and felt like a sloth, painfully moving through my day, often counting the hours until it was over. It was as pathetic as watching paint dry.

Feeling hopeless, depressed and panicked, I was convinced that I couldn't just up and leave my cushy job. I mean, how could I quit something I could do in my sleep? How could I leave the income I was earning, earmarked for my children's educational account and all the goodies we enjoyed - especially when it was so abundant? 

Although I had a laundry list of logical reasons why it was crazy to leave my job, I was beginning to develop headaches and noticed that I felt inclined to either remodel my face or buy a new home we simply couldn't afford. I convinced myself that more square footage in a nicer neighborhood and smoother lines around my eyes would do the trick. Celebrities do it and we all know how deeply happy they are! Not! 

The real truth was that I was scared of what I didn't know: the future and my destiny.

I STU-ed in the UCK for five years.

What I have since learned is that it's not being stuck that is so bad--it's the STU-ing part that creates the frustration and negative emotions. When I felt stuck, my mind was simply seeking expansion, growth, and a deeper sense of meaning. Being stuck was my wakeup call-my internal notification system was knocking at my door and telling me "hey woman, you are meant to do something bigger in your life - this job is no longer serving you and you need something new." I STU-ed in it because I ignored the signs. 

So, how do you get out of the state of stuckness? This is what works for me:

1. Acknowledge that you feel stuck with compassion and without judgment. 

2. Stop telling yourself and everyone else how stuck you are. This only reinforces the story of stuckness and the negative feelings that are associated with it. If you don't know if or how often you are doing this, enlist a friend to help raise your awareness level.

3. Take action and practice fearlessness. Do something different - anything.  Take a new route to work. Engage in a right brain activity like drawing or dancing. Walk backwards. Sing out loud. Apply for a new job. Buy some sexy lingerie and spice up your marriage. Just do something!

The good news is that being stuck is often just a temporary state and you get to decide how long to stay there. Life truly is about death and rebirth. When you stop the STU-ing, pull the dead weeds, and let go of what is no longer nourishing your soul, you create the space for something new--and sometimes even save yourself the new home and surgery costs!

THE DILEMMA

To laugh is to risk appearing a fool.

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach out for another is to risk involvement.

To expose feelings is to risk rejection.

To place your dreams in front of the crowd is to risk ridicule.

To love is to risk not being loved in return.

To go forward in the face of overwhelming odds is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. 

The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.

He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love.

Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave.

He has forfeited his freedom.

Only a person who takes risks is free.

 - Author Unknown

A Lesson from Londolozi

 
I have wanted to go to Africa ever since I saw the movie Born Free. I was 5 years old, but its impression on me lasted well over forty years.

A few weeks ago, I was fortunate to live my dream. I flew to South Africa to join   Martha Beck’s African STAR (Self Transformation Adventure Retreat), co-hosted by the Londolozi Game Preserve.  Its main purpose is to immerse you in the beauty of this private reserve – nature and its animals, allowing you to connect with your inner peace, reveal clue’s about your life’s purpose and connect with a meaningful sense of purpose. 

Although it is not considered a “coaching safari,” Martha spent a significant amount of time coaching each of the STAR’s ten women on our life’s purpose, identifying road blocks which hinder our individual emotional evolution. As we sat down for lunch, Martha began with an exercise designed to disengage us from our individual realities. It’s not exactly conducive to exploring your life’s purpose when you’re thinking, “Crap! Did I forget to tell the kids I was leaving for a week?” Or, “Did I turn off the water faucet in the bathroom, which I’m sure has caused a massive flood by now?” And, the coup de gras of all thoughts: “What will I come home to after leaving my ‘to infinity and beyond’ to-do list parked in the same spot for a whole week?” 

Our first exercise was to share a current worry that could potentially distract us from being fully engaged in the retreat.  “Just one?” I thought. “My worry is that I won’t be able to sleep all week. I am easily stimulated – my friends know this. I won’t even allow them to call me after 9:00 p.m. for fear that they may say something very exciting and I’ll be up all night.”  So, seriously, how will I achieve a satisfying slumber after witnessing a lioness attentively protecting her sleeping cubs from five feet away? How will I sleep while a herd of impalas play Ring around the Rosie around my jeep? How will I possibly rest after watching a cougar watching three insatiable hyenas demolish its kill from the previous night’s hunt?

In Buddhism, my thought pattern is called samskara, which is defined as psychological conditioning or habit patterns of the unconscious mind that make up any given time. These patterns run in grooves that have been developed over time. 

Martha gently suggested that I just notice my thoughts. I decided to think of them as ocean waves. Watching them come and go without attaching meaning to them...aka a dramatic mini-series.  Steven Hayes, author of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, calls this “Watching the Mind-Train.”  In other words, watch the thoughts that come into your head, don’t be them.

My samskara sounded like this:

I will be too excited to sleep and it will ruin my trip

 Now, I need to rewrite my samskara, or as Hayes suggests, relabel the thought. 

I am having the thought that my vacation will be ruined because I won’t sleep.

 I notice a significant difference in how I feel when I say, “I will ruin my trip because I’ll be too excited to sleep,” versus, “My thought is that I will ruin my vacation because I won’t be able to sleep.” It establishes some distance between my poisonous thoughts and my corresponding feelings. When I relabel my thought, it diffuses those strong feelings.

I encourage you all to try this. Let’s take a thought, which I suspect many of you share.

I have too many things to do today.

Notice how that thought feels. Notice how your body feels and where you feel it.

Notice your inclination to act. Describe how you might behave.

Now, re-write or re-label the thought.

I am having the thought that I have many things to do today. 

What does that feel like?

How does that new thought feel in your body?

How might you behave with this new thought?

Try this for three days in a row. It takes three days to re-form and create new habitual patterns of thinking.  

And remember you were born free to…

Follow your heart, live as free as the grass grows and to live a life worth living.

And She's Off!

Yesterday my baby turned sixteen.  At 8:00 a.m. we were at the DMV to take her drivers license test and she passed.   She was giddy – beyond excited as she immediately declared how she will meet her friends for lunch and the movies and take herself to and from school.  Me?  Not so much.

As she drove us home, I began contemplating how fast the time has gone by.  I swore it was only a few years earlier when we went to Mommy and Me.  We would sing all those silly songs that she loved, like The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round and Ride a Little Horsy.  It seemed like only weeks ago that I read her Goodnight Moon as she slid her soft little fingers around the silk border of her favorite blankie and sweetly gazed up at me before falling off to sleep.  And, I’m quite certain that it was only days earlier when I dropped her off at preschool feeling ambivalent about my leaving her there as we both held back our tears.

And now, after sixteen birthdays, 19 dance and piano recitals, 28 volleyball games, 42 swim meets and several graduations,  I am honestly feeling deeply sad.  I know this because I pull on my neck when I’m sad – which is not so good because my neck is beginning to resemble a turkey wattle and I would much rather spend my hard earned money on a vacation than on a plastic surgeon whose job it is to tighten wattles  - or do they suction wattles?  I’ll get back to you on that. 

At dinner last evening, she proceeded to ask me to take her to a senior party at 10:00 p.m. next weekend.  I peppered questions at her faster than Bode Miller skis down a black diamond run.  Will the parents be home?  Will alcohol be served?  What if someone offers you a joint?  Why does this party start so late?  Aren’t you too young for a senior party?  Who’s going to be there?    I was as tight as those skinny jeans my daughter wears - and all over my neck again.

In the spirit of keeping my neck put, I worked tirelessly to collect my thoughts.  Was I just feeling some clean pain around my daughter’s milestone?  Or was I experiencing dirty pain?  Clean pain versus dirty pain is actually a concept pioneered by Dr. Stephen Hayes and is the cornerstone of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).  Very simply, clean pain is when something bad happens to you. (Your partner dies.  You get into a car accident.  Your neck falls down.)  Dirty pain is the result of our thoughts about the painful event.   (You’ll never find love again.  Bad drivers should serve time.  No one will hire a coach who sports a turkey wattle.)

My daughter turning sixteen was certainly not something bad that was happening to me.  I can’t liken it to a death or my best friend moving away.  So, the next question I asked myself was:

What am I making it mean that my daughter is turning sixteen?

(As you’re reading this, I encourage you to come up with something, anything that compels you to bite your nails, want to strangle bad drivers or pull on your own neck.  In other words, is there anything that makes you worry, feel sad or even just a little pissed off?)

I know what I was thinking:

I’m not ready to wrap up this mothering thing yet.
She won’t need me anymore as she moves towards her friends and away from me.
I cannot protect her and she will get hurt.

Clearly, these thoughts are not mere grass stains.  They’re tough and require some heavy duty scouring.

After much self coaching, I realized this:

•    There’s nothing to wrap up but my thoughts.   I will always be the mother of my children.  Perhaps it’s time to mother myself.  What do I want and need now that my child is more independent and self reliant? 

•    I don’t need to keep my child small so I can feel large.  Looking outside myself, to my children, my husband or anyone else to feel worthy, valuable or important is unhealthy and puts them in a position of being my hostage.

•    Not getting hurt is like trying to stop the sun from shining.  Impossible.  It will happen.  Believing it is bad to hurt is what’s painful to me.    Being in pain helps us to evolve beyond what is superficial, beyond our own ego.   Through my own pain, I grow.  Through my daughter’s pain, she may grow too.  Who am I to take that away from her?

 
This may be my daughter’s beginning – and it’s also mine!  Wattle or not.

Are You a Player or a Spectator?

I awoke that morning with a ginormous headache, shaking hands, and just about the worst thing one can imagine - the runs. I was prepared - in fact, I was over-prepared. So, why did I feel frozen, like a deer caught in the headlights? As I contemplated what to eat that wouldn’t head straight for the porcelain bus, I waited for the fear to go away, or at least dissipate. But it never did.  

This was the morning of my long anticipated Tae Kwon Do black belt test. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would achieve a black belt, much less have the desire. I had plenty of black belts at home and none required the kind of pain I had experienced over the past 5 years. I had signed up for karate lessons while picking my son up from his. I immediately noticed a bevy of women who were in spectacular physical shape working out in the Dojang (Korean for training studio). Their muscular, toned bodies and familiar curves made me melancholy for mine. I immediately registered. Not for the belt - for the body. My military-style instructor, Mr. V, quickly reminded me that this was martial arts, not jazzercise, which required that I leave my leg warmers at home and master skills more serious than aerobic sequences set to music. It changed my life.

Fast forward to the day of my black belt test. As I sat paralyzed at the foot of my bed, contemplating whether or not I might keep oatmeal down, I realized that I was deeply afraid to fail. 

Scared beyond description. 

And I had the runs to prove it. 

Now that I’m a life coach, I know that fear of failure is universal among my clients. In fact, the more important the task, project, or dream, the more the fear increases. The resistance my clients encounter is often in direct proportion to how deep the fear runs. It’s exacerbated when they are afraid to feel it. In the worst of cases, this can develop into full-on terror. 

My mind was absolutely certain that I could pass my black belt test with flying colors if only I could leave my fear at the edge of my bed. However, I realized how senseless it was to perceive fear as something that must be eliminated in order to move forward. So, instead of being at war with my fear, I surrendered to it.

What I have come to learn is that fear is GOOD. Fear reminds us of what we have to do. The more scared we are of whatever we’re called to do, the more we have to do it. In The War of Art, Stephen Pressfield concludes:

“If you didn’t love the project that is terrifying you, you wouldn’t feel anything. The opposite of love isn’t hate; it’s indifference.”

So, would you rather feel the fear, step into the arena, and take a few blows, or would you prefer to feel indifferent and passively watch from the sidelines?

In other words: 

Do you want to be a player or a spectator?

Fear is not something you ever overcome. As long as you are pursuing your dreams, fear can be as normal to you as the new FDA requirements for traveling after 9/11 - if you stop resisting it. As tedious as air travel has become, it is clearly worth removing most of our clothing, or we wouldn’t still be traveling. It’s the price we pay for getting to our destination safely. 

Try treating fear as though you are traveling to the destiny of your dreams. Stop resisting the idea that the journey should be painless or easy in order to pursue becoming the person you are meant to be. Anything that is worth doing is going to be hard. The alternative is bartering parts of yourself away to the dictates of fear - and that, my friend, is worse fate than a slow death. What is safe about that?

For our sake and for yours, please don’t deprive the world of your gifts, talents or calling because of this insidious thing called fear (and it’s best friend called Resistance). Don’t cheat us. More importantly, don’t cheat yourself. 

I’m happy to say I kept the oatmeal down and passed my black belt test despite my shaky hands and tenuous stomach. How did I do it? I told fear she could come along as long as she was clear that I was the player and she was the spectator. Her job was to sit quietly on the sidelines until I was done. It’s just like parenting a toddler. I then proceeded to put my uniform on, pack my bag, tie my shoes and stuck Fear in my back pocket where she belonged. 

I kicked serious butt that day. 

By the way, I still get scared. But, just most of the time. 

Got Problems? Change your Chi!

This past November, I attended Martha Beck's, Unleashing your Inner Genius workshop.  I came home with an extra bounce in my step, happy to know that I have problems.   

Crazy, huh?  

Most people I know try to avoid or prevent problems, but according to Martha, problems are cause for celebration.  To paraphrase, problems help us to creatively seek solutions for whatever is causing us pain.  

I love helping people solve their problems.  Determining the source of the angst, (usually a toxic thought) scouring it out, and exploring an  "out of the box" approach feels like play to me.  I view a problem  like a puzzle, which is most likely why I became a Life Coach. When I was a little girl one of my favorite things to do was to solve puzzles.  I spent hours doing jigsaw puzzles, crossword puzzles, and my favorite, finding the hidden pictures in the Highlights Magazine. 

I felt the same way about games.  My sister and I would spend hours on a Sunday morning playing Monopoly or Life.   I still love Scrabble and tried to engage my husband in a game or two when we first married.   I ultimately gave up after noticing that his contributions were often limited to words rhyming with doe, ray, and me.  Nothing irritates a hard core scrabble player more than putting down "so" on a triple word score.  It is wrong on too many levels!  My fellow scrabble players will know what I mean.

I love the challenge of creating a word that fits into a triple-word letter box, and it's especially thrilling when I can actually score two words with just a few tiles.  It makes my brain hurt to think that hard, to be so engaged, and to push it to the very edge.  I ultimately lose all sense of time and awareness.  Phones ring, the chicken burns, and my kids tear each other to shreds in their bedroom without me noticing. It's worth the brain ache when I consider what I'm oblivious to in the next room. 

This brain pain is actually the result of my using only the left side of my brain. According to Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, "the left hemisphere of our brain uses words to describe, define, categorize and communicate everything.  It can look at all the details of a puzzle and use the clues of color, shape and size to recognize patterns for arrangement.  It uses deductive reasoning.  The right hemisphere thinks in pictures and perceives the big picture of the present moment.  Our right mind thinks intuitively outside the box and creatively explores the possibilities that each new moment brings.  It is spontaneous, carefree, and imaginative.  It allows our artistic juices to flow without judgment or inhibition."

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